Friday Funday: The Most Ridiculous Leggings Ever Made

Okay, let's walk through a thought experiment:

Picture the most ridiculous leggings you can possibly imagine.  Now make them a million times more ridiculous.

Got it?  Got that mental picture, friends?

I'm about to blow away your wildest imagination.

Ready?

Okay:

Available here (affiliate link).  They were $18 the other week (when I bought them, because I do ridiculous things sometimes and have a huge weakness when it comes to the ugliest items imaginable, see e.g. here), so keep an eye on that price as hopefully they will drop again.  I also found them here for $20 (not an affiliate link).

Let me break this down for you:  There is a bucking unicorn on one side. There is a robot T-rex on the other side, and he is shooting laser beams from his head.  All of this is happening on a backdrop of rainbows and galaxies.

If this is not the height of "IDGAF" then I don't know what is.  I saw some girl wearing these at a dance party the other week and she was crushing the whole scene.

So, I just thought you all needed to know that this exists.

(Out of curiousity, when I asked you to picture the most insane leggings you could imagine, what did you picture?)

Have a great weekend!

This is absolutely everything.

ShipYourEnemiesGlitter.com.

 

First, that picture says everything.

Second, these quotes are more than everything:

"We fucking hate glitter. People call it the herpes of the craft world."

 

"Glitter as a Service: want to piss off someone you dislike for only $9.99? Let us send them some stupid fucking glitter that is guaranteed to go everywhere."

 

"You'll then be taken off this shitty website for payment processing via PayPal. Yes, we know PayPal is a shitty company, hell why not send those dicks some glitter?"

The internet can go home; we've hit the apex.  I think we're done here.

Who wants to help me open the American distribution center?

FYI

Just so you know...

 

This product:

 

 

...is delicious. It tastes like a delightful piña colada.

 

However, the color is a little bit...how shall I say...off-putting.

 

 

If you can manage to drink this without thinking about urine samples, then I highly recommend it!

 

How was everyone's weekend?

 

Posted with Blogsy

Did you know this was a thing?

I took a mini-mini road trip to Annapolis this past weekend and learned: people give crazy names to hot sauces, apparently?

 

 

 

Did you know that "Cooter" is another word for turtle? Me neither.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted with Blogsy

Shopping Fail (AKA, The Hidden Costs of Car Ownership)

This weekend, at Target:

This weekend, at BJ's Wholesale Club:

However, I did manage to use my super free stuff-detecting skills to get a free $40 bottle of car wax and a free $25 restaurant.com gift certificate.

What can I say?  I am a savings ninja.  Except for the part where I apparently buy approximately 20 times more than what I actually need on any given shopping trip.

Online Dating, Pickup Artistry, and an offer from Match.com

This is a sponsored post.

I know very few people who have a "meh" attitude towards online dating.  In my experience, you are either pro or VERY con.

I am currently not on the market, but back in the day when I was, I maintained a free online dating account at (where else?) Jdate.com.  (Hey, I AM a Jewish Girl.)  I thought online dating was a nice way to supplement my social schedule.  Have some dates with guys met at parties, have some dates with guys met online.  Online dating for women is a pretty decent proposition, actually:  insist your dates pay for your drink or dinner, and at worst you have a funny/awkward story to tell at the end of the night.  Plus, based on what my Jdates seemed to tell me, 90% of women who date online are psychotic, so if you are normal, your dates will immediately be impressed and interested.

True story:  for a while there, I studied pick-up artistry!  This was around the time the reality show The Pickup Artist aired on VH1.  Do you remember that show?  It was about a bunch of professional pick-up artists who taught nerds how to become cool and intriguing to women.

I LOVED that show, mostly because the method advertised was so manipulative but seemed SO effective.  I wanted to learn more about it so that I would know when someone was using those methods on me, and in fact a month or two later someone tried to pick me up according to that strategy and I was able to see it coming and bust them on it!  (True caveat:  I was on a Jdate with someone else at the time the pick-up artist tried to pick me up!)

Part of pick-up artistry is a step called "demonstrating higher value" (a "DHV," for short).  In this stage, you do some kind of trick or tell some kind of story to establish that you are interesting and worth your target's time.  Here's one of the best DHVs I learned, which I still pull out from time to time whenever cocktail parties get too dull:

• Start with some kind of story about how mind-reading isn't all that difficult, it's just about tapping into the common consciousness.  I like to cite a study I once read about in undergrad that found that people completed yesterday's crossword puzzle significantly faster than today's, and the theory behind that was that the answers to yesterday's puzzle were floating in the universe for people to access.
• Tell your target that you think they could read your mind, too.  If you're on a date and you like the person, maybe add something about how you feel a connection to your date that you think they might be able to get in your head better than others.
• Tell your target that you are going to write down a number.  Write down the number "7" on a piece of paper and fold it up.  Do NOT show this number to your target or let them see what you wrote.
• Tell your target to clear their mind and after you give them the prompt just to say the very first number that comes into his/her head.  Then say to your target, "Pick the first number that you can think of between one and ten.  GO."  The key is to do this quickly so that your target goes with their first instinct.  
• 70% of the time, people will pick 7.  You can increase their likelihood of picking seven by using hand gestures when you tell your target to pick a number between one and ten.  Imagine a number line in front of you that goes from one to ten.  When you say "one," gesture with your hand where the number one would fall, and when you say the word "ten," gesture with your hand where the number ten would fall.  When you say "GO", gesture with your hand where seven would fall.
• After the person guesses seven, hand them the piece of paper with the number "7" written on it.  Bask in the glow of how awesome you are.
• If the person doesn't guess seven, run.*

*  I haven't found a smooth way to recover when this trick fails.

Now get out there and pick up some people!

Onto the sponsored stuff.  Here's what Match.Com wants you to know:

• Match.com's peak season, the site's busiest time of year, kicked off New Year's Day and spans all the way through Valentine's Day, where Match will see a 25-30% increase in registrations to the site. 





• Why the rush to log in online in the new year?  In a recent poll, Match.com found that 51% of singles' New Year's resolutions will be to socialize more and focus on finding that special someone, making the desire to connect with someone a driving force for singles' to get online after the holidays. 


• To get you online during prime time, Match.com is offering a 3-days free "date pass" for singles! Simply log on to claim your 3-days free offer. 


• Who knows, you could get lucky in love like this Match.com couple— have you seen their proposal? 

Match.com sponsored this post.  I received monetary compensation in exchange for publishing this.  I'm totally gonna use that sweet dough to pay for the speeding ticket I think I got yesterday.  Damn traffic cameras.

I'm failing to see the connection here.

In today's episode of "Car Dealers are Absurd":

Now, I CAN'T BE SURE, but I feel reasonably confident that Dr. King's dream had very little to do with getting a good deal on an American automobile.

And the calendar winner is...

Dee!

Congrats, Dee!  I will email you to coordinate getting you your delicious calendar filled with sweet, sweet, circumcised loving.

For those who did not catch the contest, I asked everyone to post their best "dating a Jewish guy" story.  Here are a few notable examples:

Jayme:  

Funniest story, eh? Here's one with details slightly altered to protect the guilty.

In 2002, when I was 21, I spent a few weeks in Capetown, South Africa. I decided to take a weekend to see Johannesburg, and my parents mentioned we had some old family friends there, so I reached out. They were thrilled to hear from me, invited me to stay with them, and asked if I would like a "nice young man to show me the sites" on Sunday. Who wouldn't take up that offer??

Naturally, I spend the next week spinning castles in the air about my nice Jewish South African boy. We will fall madly in love and he will move with me to America and utterly charm everyone. We will marry and have perfect children and spend every winter for the rest of our lives visiting the grandparents back in South Africa. They probably own a vineyard or something.

So I arrive in Johannesburg Friday, everything is lovely, and I am told "Yair" will pick me up from breakfast Sunday morning. Just as I'm finishing my eggs, it is mentioned that Yair is visually impaired - a blind blind date. I'm a little curious as to how a blind guy is going to show me the sites, but hey. Yair shows up, and it turns out that while legally blind, he can find his way around just fine. His glasses make it a little hard to see his face, but he's not unattractive, and has an accent, so I'm keeping an open mind here.

We have a fine day - no big sparks, but he's enjoyable company and very Nice, in a very Jewish sort of way :). A few hours into it, I comment on the fact that he has an Israeli name, and ask if his parents are Israeli. He says, "I was actually born in Israel - my family moved here in 1972 when I was 12." I do some quick mental math and realize that Yair is 42. Which I guess is "young" to my 70-year-old hosts, but remember, I'm 21. I freak out - and suddenly I'm very grateful my blind date is blind. We parted graciously, but I decided not to take him up on his offer to be penpals.

Ever since, I always ask ages when my relatives set me up...

Anthro_Blogger:

Oh, and my funniest dating story. I met my husband during Oneg (but neither of us usually goes to these things, so talk about serendipity) and he picked me up telling me a story about manscaping.

Fabiola:

Once upon a time I met a nice Jewish boy who just so happened to be a bad boy too. I myself am a Central American with a major jewfetish. I'm ready to convert and everything. I have one story that just goes to prove how incredibly Jewish this boy was. One night I met up my nice Jewish boy at his house and he is just dead set on getting his ears pierced. I look up a few tattoo shops who also do piercings but they're all too pricey for him. So he asks his mother, of course. She recommends Claire's, a store in the mall meant for little girls, because it's cheaper. Well as you can guess I walked out of Claire's hand in hand with my nice Jewish "bad boy" hold his pink Claire's bag with his ear cleaning solution. If that isn't a nice Jewish boy I don't know what is.

LyddieGal:

while I haven't dated a nice Jewish guy myself, my friend has and he wore a yamaka every. single. day. Never saw him without it. I was so fixated on what he might be hiding under there (bald spot? weird head lump?) that one day I grabbed it and threw it across the room. It was just a normal head of hair. Everyone was appalled by my behavior.
True story.

Jesse:

I have yet to find a Jewish Guy that'll date a gentile, but I'm trying. I had boyfriend that everyone thought was Jewish, and when I brought him home my grandmother, a devout Catholic, was not pleased. I got an earful that night.

For those who did not win their own calendar, you can purchase your own here.  Also, if you're interested in more Nice Jewish Products, check out these "Nice Jewish Shirts" (not affiliated with the Nice Jewish Guys calendar), which were created by a couple of LA-based Jewish comedians/graphic artists.  Blog readers will get $10 off orders of $50 or more with code NICEJEWISHGIRL, good until next Thursday, December 5.

Go forth and support the tribe!  May our consumer dollars be as numerous as the stars in the sky!

Friday Funday: Nice Jewish Guys Calendar Review and Giveaway!

I get a decent number of emails each week from advertisers asking me to blog about their website or their product.  Almost all of these requests I turn down.  (See, e.g., a series of websites offering me free money to buy whatever I wanted, but with absolutely horrific clothing and jewelry for sale, including items with names resembling, "Rasta harem dropcrotch pant crop hippie boho patterned bottoms.")  Some of these requests, I wish I'd turned down.  (I'm currently staring at a packet of gummy vitamins (I love gummy vitamins) that, based on the information on the package, I fear will give me explosive poops.  But I'm morally bound to try them and perhaps endure explosive poops for you, my readers.)

However, I recently received a product review request that sent me over the moon with happiness.

Remember three years ago, I told you guys about a "Nice Jewish Guys" calendar featuring --- you guessed it --- nice Jewish guys gracing each month's pages?  Back then, I thought the idea of a calendar featuring nebbishy Jewish men was an absolutely hilarious idea and a great gift for Jewish girls (or other Jewish boy-loving people) on your list.

Well, the people in charge of marketing this calendar contacted me last month and offered me a 2014 Nice Jewish Guys calendar of my very own!  Now THIS is right up my alley.

Having carefully reviewed this calendar, I can now give it my hearty endorsement.  The calendar is chock-full of awesome photos of very Jewish-looking guys, some of whom are doing very Jewishy things.

Kristopher is responsibly paying for his parking!

Roe is holding a mother-flipping CHALLAH!

Brendan is making matzo brie like your dad used to make during Channukah!

Jason is --- posed in a very unfortunate manner, but WHO DOESN'T LOVE KOSHER HOT DOGS IN NEW YORK?

I brought this thing to my weekly poker night and it garnered rave reviews from the guys in attendance:

"Those are some Jewish-looking dudes."

"Yes, they are very Jewy."

"That's a great-looking challah."

"I can't take my eyes off that challah."

"Saddle up, Jewish ladies!  This guy likes knish."

This calendar is a laugh a minute (or, more accurately, a month), and even includes all of the Jewish holidays.  Even the obscure ones that nobody celebrates!  ("Fast of the 17th of Tammuz," anyone?)  

I even had the chance to interview one of the JDate.com-sponsored Jewish guys featured at the back of the calendar, Sam.

Here are some highlights:

How did you become involved in the Nice Jewish Guys Calendar?  What was your first thought upon learning about the calendar?

I saw the contest on JDate and talked about it with my sister and a female friend of mine.  After some encouragement from them and reading some of the other entries, I decided to submit an entry for fun.  After I was told I was selected as one of the Nice Jewish Guys of JDate, I didn’t really know what form my inclusion in the calendar would take until a friend of mine called from work saying, “I’m looking at the Nice Jewish Guys calendar with you in it!”

What makes you a "nice" Jewish guy?

Living with values and morals adopted and refined from my Jewish upbringing and military service is why those in my life consider me a “Nice Jewish Guy.”  I see myself as someone who lives a life of integrity, candor, selfless service, respect and courage – all qualities which make me stand out in the crowd.

What is your favorite Jewish food?

This question is like asking a parent to admit which child is their favorite.  Pastrami, knishes, matzoh ball soup, cholent, challah, Israeli salad and falafel are all great. However, I think that the true mark of Jewish food is the effort we put in to getting it right. I come from a family of kosher butchers so it’s no surprise that while I was stationed overseas I had hard salami and beef frye sent to me regularly. The greatest effort I’ve exerted so far was for great kosher dill pickles.  Earlier this year I tore out four trees (roots and all) from my father's backyard so that I could grow cucumbers and dill to make my own homemade dill pickles. They were not only my favorite, but the favorites of everyone who tried them.

Best Jew-y childhood memory?

I think my best Jew-y childhood memories all stem from being invited over to friends’ houses for Shabbos. Even though most of them were observant, which meant no TV and going to more services than I may have liked, I associate those memories of Shabbos with great food, acceptance and warmness, which I consider true characteristics of Judaism.

Describe your ideal woman.

My ideal woman would come in part from my interpretation of Immanuel Kant's Observations on the Feeling of the Beautiful and Sublime. I am in pursuit of the sublime over the beautiful. To me the sublime encompasses the truly important, lasting things such as genuine kindness, sweetness, smarts, critical thinking, affection, a nurturing demeanor and natural beauty over fleeting and superficial beauty.

What do you most wish you could change about Jewish girls?

I'd first like to say that I would never want to change anybody.  Everybody has the right to live their life the way they see fit as long it doesn't infringe on those rights of others.  In love, the right person is going to be perfect, flaws and all. 

That being said the thing I don't like about Jewish girls, or guys for that matter, are those who live up to negative Jewish stereotypes.  Despite my name, many people are surprised to find out that I'm Jewish.  I think the reason is that I don't fit many of the typical Jewish stereotypes. When a girl lives up to the negative stereotypes such as being whiny, overbearing and having a sense of entitlement like the clichés of a Jewish-American princess, I am immediately turned off.

Has your recent calendar celebrity yielded any interesting romantic offers?

Not yet.  I think the Shiksas in my life love the "celebrity" status the most.  The calendar has been a hit with family, friends, army buddies and people at the gym. When I walk into the gym I am greeted as the “Nice Jewish Guy.”  Friends have jokingly wondered how long it would take for me to be a pinup.  Every time I go to an LA Galaxy game,my season ticket holder neighbor requests a signed copy of the calendar. However, I would be surprised if the calendar "notoriety" would lead to any “interesting romantic offers,” even if it was posted at every synagogue and sent to every Jewish mother and grandmother.

What's your best Nice Jewish Guy advice for winning over Jewish mothers? 

Just be genuine and honest in addition to all the other qualities of being a nice guy.  If you have to be flashy or go on a charm offensive, it's probably not worth the effort for a number of reasons.  I have had a few instances where the parents were more charmed by me than the girl I was courting.  

I mean, TAKE A NUMBER!  AMIRIGHT, LADIES?  

Don't you just wish you could have a calendar of your very own, to love and cherish for as long as you both shall live?  (i.e., for the duration of 2014?)

Well, you CAN, because I have an extra copy to give away!

To win, leave a comment on this entry with your funniest story about dating a Nice Jewish Guy.  (You can fictionalize an account if you have no real-life experience on which to base this.)  You can also tweet about this giveaway for an extra entry.  One winner will be randomly selected, although I will post the best stories when I announce the winner next week!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Settle something for me.

[Edited to remove faulty poll and post results.  Also, 70% of you are totally wrong.]

Name these cats!

Last week, I attended a cat foster orientation program through the Washington Humane Society.  The program provided some basic information about WHS and cat care, and after completing it, everyone was eligible to take home kitten(s)/cat(s) from the shelter.  The foster program frees up space in the shelter for more animals, allows more high maintenance animals (read:  kittens) to get the attention they need, and helps sick animals recover faster (lots of animals in the shelter contract upper respiratory infections).  It's also a good way for very shy animals to be adopted, since the shelter environment stresses those animals out and a stressed animal does not appear friendly to potential adopters.

A few days later, I was back at the shelter to pick up my two foster cats!  They are a bonded pair of two year-old boys who were found as strays after their owner threw them out of the house.  I assume they are brothers.

The black one is extremely outgoing --- he immediately took to me and follows me around the apartment everywhere I go.  I was brushing my teeth this morning, turned around for one second, and when I turned back he was in the sink.  I didn't even see him come into the bathroom!

The white one is very, very shy.  He spends most of his time hiding under the bed, although he will come out when he hears the bag of cat treats opening.  He's slowly warming up, but he's not letting me pet him yet (hence the crazy zoom utilized on all photos of the white cat).

[ETA:  I can tell that these cats are after my own heart because:  1) so far, they have shown no interest in destroying my purses, and; 2) they keep trying to get into my closet!]

The shelter named them Midnight (black one) and Leo (white one), but I'm not crazy about those names.  Help me come up with something better!

Here's what I've got so far:

Blackacre and Whiteacre
A bit of legal humor.  You know how in math class, when you are referring to an unknown variable you call it "x" or "y"?  In property law, when you are referring to an unknown or generic lot of property, you call it [color]acre.  Greenacre, blueacre, blackacre, whiteacre.  I was excited about these names at first, but they just haven't rolled off the tongue as I'd hoped.  Plus, non-lawyers will always be confused.

Pepper and Salt
My mom's suggestion.  Totally works, although I found it a little strange to call a cat "salt."  (Note that I love food names for cats.  Some of the kittens currently up for adoption are called "milkshake" and "ketchup" which I think is adorable.)

Wall-E and Hal

 

When the black one talks, it sounds just like the robot Wall-E from the beautiful Pixar movie of the same name.  Eve (Wall-E's robot girlfriend) would be a perfect name for the white one, but because the white one is actually a boy, I figured it needed a male name.  "Hal" is Wall-E's best friend and sidekick (although he is but a lowly cockroach).  Like Wall-E and Hal, the two cats are a bonded pair.

Yin and Yang
Because when the two play together, they sort of look like a yin-yang!

James and Barney

 

After James and Barney Stinson, interracial half-brothers on How I Met Your Mother.  This is my favorite of the options so far because the names are easiest to remember and say.  This pair of names would be totally legen --- wait for it, and I'm glad we're talking about cats because even though they are not supposed to have it some stereotypes still live on and this next word is --- DAIRY.  Legendary!


So, what do you think we should call these cats?  Also, if you live in the DC area and are interested in adopting them, let me know :-)

Witness my Food Shame

This soup is called "Cheeseburger Cheeseburger." Two cheeseburgers.

 

It consists of: a thick cheese base; small chunks of ground meat; small slices of onion.

And that's it. It's like eating macaroni and cheese, but without the macaroni and with small Progresso soup-sized globules of probably-beef.

 

The guys at Devon and Blakely actually laughed at me when I ordered it for lunch yesterday. Which, for the record, I don't do often but sometimes it just feels so wrong that it's right.

 

While we're on the subject, I also microwaved leftover weekend pancakes in the work break room this week. On three separate occasions.

 

I'm sorry, but only because I know I should be.

 

Posted with Blogsy

Just Me?

"Normal People," I submit to you, are in fact Cylons.

Friday Fleeting Moment of Fun-day

Ever wonder what happens when you try to tell Siri, "Set an alarm for 2am" with a mouthful of toothpaste?

 

^ that. :-)

 

I'm en route to Bonnaroo this morning, but it's looking like I'm going to miss my connecting flight! I may end up taking a last-minute road trip from Charlotte to Manchester... (Ugh, air travel, how I hate you so.)

 

Have a good weekend, all!

 

Posted with Blogsy

Damn you, Windows Update

I think this only exists to remind me how little I get done in any four-hour span of time.

Every time it pops up, I think, "DAMN it, am I STILL not done with this memo?!?!

Monday Link Roundup!

I notice a lot of my favorite blogs post weekly compilations of interesting links they've found around the internet.  It seems like a great idea to me, so why don't we give it a try just for today?

*  How can you tell if you are selling yourself short in the workplace?

(image source)

*  When is it time to walk away from an important relationship?

*  I love this outfit's combination of purple and yellow.  Somehow, she pulled it off without looking like a Muppet (see here)!

*  New study establishes that singing at the top of your lungs in the shower can be an effective treatment for mild down-in-the-dumps-ness.

(image source)

*  Eeep, a talking bunny that says the word "Mama"!  How is that possible??

*  OMG, I am absolutely drooling over this healthy dessert recipe.  Yes, please!

*  Some would say it's time to give in and dance.

Happy April 1st!  ;-)


(See also:  here at 1:52 ("2006 called; it wants its punchline back."))

OOTD: The Beauty of an "On" Week

Not to toot my own horn or anything, but

(why are there so many videos of babies tooting horns on youtube?) (also, is it creepy to post a photo of an unknown baby tooting a horn on your blog?) (nevermind, don't answer that)

I feel like I have been killing my outfits this week!  In the good way.  A la KILLIN IT.  Not murdering it in the Amanda Bynes sense, but killing it.  Killing.  It.

Which is great, because a spent a recent week falling on my face one outfit after another after another and I began wondering whether I had some sort of undiagnosed brain tumor.

But those concerns have been put to bed!  (Mostly!)  Behold!

In this outfit:

Tommy Hilfiger Sleeveless Belted A-Line Dress (M, slightly big) (similar* for $80, similar for $130)

Anthropologie Dashes Knit Blazer in Sky (L) (here*)

J.Crew Skinny Patent Leather Belt (similar*, more similar* but more pricey)

J.Crew Factory Beaded Bib Necklace (similar* for $35)

Ring from either ASOS for Forever 21 (another* white and gold ring)

Manolo Blahnik Pumps (39.5 -- I'm usually a 9) (gifted) (pretty similar* on sale from Kate Spade for $165 in limited sizes)

 

In this outfit:

Ann Taylor Blazer (6) (similar* at ASOS for less than $100)

Ann Taylor Loft top (S) (similar* for less than $20)

ASOS Peg Trousers (10) (similar* for $30 in limited sizes)

Payless Chelsea Flats (9, TTS) (here*)

Marc by Marc Jacobs Marci Watch (here*)

Kate Spade square studs (similar* for $10, similar* for $5)

ALDO Necklace (I freaking hate ALDO) (not especially similar,* but the same idea and less than $10)

PLUS, one more great one that I'll show you next week, because I actually took real photos with my real point-and-shoot.

I love it when everything comes together!