Monday, February 11, 2013

The Perfect Valentine's Day Gift?


Really.  Book description, from the Amazon product page:

Dripping Thighs, Sticky Chicken Fingers, Vanilla Chicken, Chicken with a Lardon, Bacon-Bound Wings, Spatchcock Chicken, Learning-to-Truss-You Chicken, Holy Hell Wings, Mustard-Spanked Chicken, and more, more, more!
 
Fifty chicken recipes, each more seductive than the last, in a book that makes every dinner a turn-on.  
 
“I want you to see this. Then you’ll know everything. It’s a cookbook,” he says and opens to some recipes, with color photos. “I want to prepare you, very much.” This isn’t just about getting me hot till my juices run clear, and then a little rest. There’s pulling, jerking, stuffing, trussing. Fifty preparations. He promises we’ll start out slow, with wine and a good oiling . . . Holy crap. “I will control everything that happens here,” he says. “You can leave anytime, but as long as you stay, you’re my ingredient.” I’ll be transformed from a raw, organic bird into something—what? Something delicious
 
So begins the adventures of Miss Chicken, a young free-range, from raw innocence to golden brown ecstasy, in this spoof-in-a-cookbook that simmers in the afterglow of E.L. James’s sensational Fifty Shades of Grey trilogyLike Anastasia Steele, Miss Chicken finds herself at the mercy of a dominating man, in this case, a wealthy, sexy, and very hungry chef.  

And before long, from unbearably slow drizzling to trussing, Miss Chicken discovers the sheer thrill of becoming the main course. A parody in three acts—“The Novice Bird” (easy recipes for roasters), “Falling to Pieces” (parts perfect for weeknight meals), and “Advanced Techniques” (the climax of cooking)—Fifty Shades of Chicken is a cookbook of fifty irresistible, repertoire-boosting chicken dishes that will leave you hungry for more.

With memorable tips and revealing photographs, Fifty Shades of Chicken will have you dominating dinner.


I think this might be great for everyone.  Lovers, friends, parents, bartenders...if I wasn't less than 100% sure that she would not be offended, I would get this for my office manager (who is an amazing cook).  (I'm 92% sure she would not be offended.)  It works for people who love Valentine's Day ("Aw, yay, a random gift/something kind of romantic!") and people who hate Valentine's Day ("Aw, yay, something that underscores how cheesy and dumb this Hallmark holiday is.")

I thought you might appreciate this "featured recipe," also from the product page:

*~*~*


Featured Recipe: Dripping Thighs

Dripping Thighs
The way his apron hangs from his hips already has me all wobbly. But as he coats my thighs with sticky liquid I can hardly contain myself. Is it the wine, or is my aroma starting to drive him crazy too? He heats me up fast, it won’t take much too?
He heats me up fast, it won’t take much to finish me off now. His lips quirk up to a smile. My own juices are mixing with the coating and running all over the place. I get the strangest, sweetest, hedonistic feeling up and down. It’s epicureanism run wild!
He spreads my thighs out on a plate. Sticky hands and at least five wet napkins. What will the housekeeper think? Who cares?
Ingredients
  • 1 pound boneless, skinless chicken thighs, patted dry with paper towels
  • 2 garlic cloves, finely chopped
  • 1 teaspoon plus pinch coarse kosher salt
  • ½ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
  • 1 sweet onion, thinly sliced
  • 1 cup white wine
  • 1 bay leaf
  • 1 cinnamon stick
  • 2 tablespoons unsalted butter
  • 1 tablespoon honey
Directions
Preheat the oven to 450 degrees F. In a large bowl, toss the chicken, garlic, 1 teaspoon salt, and pepper together.
In a small saucepan, simmer together onion, wine, bay leaf, cinnamon stick, and a pinch of salt until most of the liquid has evaporated, 15 to 20 minutes. Toss in the honey and butter.
Spoon the mixture over the chicken and toss well. Spread thighs, onion mixture, and any juices onto a baking sheet. Bake until chicken is no longer pink and onions are meltingly tender and caramelized, about 25 minutes.

*~*~*

I mean, LOL ALL DAY LONG.


I realize this cookbook came out months ago; I'm only just now discovering it so forgive me if you all knew about this already.  But geez, this was just too good not to post, just in case someone else has been living under a rock like me.  It's $13 on Amazon.  (That's an affiliate link, but I hope it's clear that I'm posting about this book for no reason other than because it's entertaining.)

Incidentally, am I the only one who hasn't read a single bit of the 50 Shades series?  I have read the feminist version of 50 Shades of Grey:



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