Friday, January 25, 2013

Friday Funday: A Non-Exhaustive List of Things that Disproportionately Piss Me Off

In general, I'd say I'm a pretty happy person. I like my life and my job, and I feel good about myself on the whole. I don't carry around a lot of anger towards people in my life. Instead, I prefer to find a way to forgive people for perceived or actual wrongs and move on with my day. I mostly believe that holding onto negative emotions hurts us more than it hurts the source of our anger, so why bother?

...with some exceptions.

For reasons I can't explain, I've noticed a few things in life that make me completely ragey. Blind with anger. These things evoke in me a fury completely untethered from the reality of the (small) offending slight.

What are these things, you ask?

1. The Security Guard at my Office Building Telling me to "Have a Good Night" Between 6:30pm and 8pm When I Am Only in the Lobby to Pick Up Dinner Before Going Back Up to My Office for Several More Hours of Work.


Listen, ma'am, I know you mean well when you wish me a good night (which is why my anger is disproportionate -- see?). But there is nothing worse than hearing someone wish you a good night when you have many more hours of work ahead of you. That innocent greeting takes my focus away from reading case law and instead directs it to the comfy couch, quilt, and Netflix that I will NOT be enjoying tonight.

Even worse, half of the time when you wish me good night you can SEE the delivery guy with my dinner waiting in the lobby. And even more, you can SEE that I'm not even wearing a coat, nor am I carrying a purse. What kind of person steps into 20 degree weather to walk home without a jacket or a purse? Isn't it more likely that I am picking up the dinner you see waiting TWENTY FEET in front of you and then going back upstairs? ISN'T IT?!

2. Getting Too Many Sets of Utensils in My Delivery Order

While we're on the subject of picking up food, you know what else gets my goat? Opening up my bag of delivery dinner --- which I ordered for MYSELF --- to find FOUR SETS OF UTENSILS. Excuuuuuuse me, Judgy McRestaurant, but the amount of food I ordered is perfectly reasonable for ONE PERSON to eat. Do I need you suggesting that I am actually trying to feed a small army? NO I DO NOT. Good DAY, sir.

3. People Who Put a Purse in the Empty Seat Next to Them on the Metro During Rush Hour

Dude. You know this train is going to get crowded and that eventually seats will run out and people will be standing. But you've apparently paid WMATA for a first-class metro seat today because you have allocated a double-wide area for yourself by placing your stuff on the seat next to you. I'm not talking about the people who have a legitimate overload of stuff or small children and need extra space.

I'm talking about YOU, who has a small extra bag, which is probably carrying a bunch of lollipops you stole from babies because YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON. Put your bag in your lap! Put your bag in your lap, mofo! I want you to know that I take special joy in asking you obnoxiously, "IS THIS SEAT TAKEN, ASSHOLE?" (give or take) because I know it's NOT and I'll be damned if I'm going to let you get away with this tomfoolery. I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK. DO YOU HEAR ME??

4. People Who Stand on the Left Side of an Escalator

STAND TO THE RIGHT. STAND TO THE RIGHT. STAND TO THE GEE-DEE RIGHT FOR PETE'S SAKE. I'm glad you have all the time in the world to get to where you're going but some of us have actual stuff to get done today that doesn't involve looking at your butt from further down on the escalator.

5. People Who Call Me "Babe"

I'm not your babe. I don't plan to be your babe. In fact, I don't think I'm ANYONE'S babe. I hate that patronizing, demeaning nickname and every time I so much as hear it I experience a full-body cringe. When someone says it TO ME I immediately want to take a shower and scrub the word off of me. THE ONLY PERSON ALLOWED TO CALL ME BABE IS THE PERSON PAYING OFF ALL OF MY STUDENT LOANS. Oh, wait, am I hearing correctly that such person is NOBODY? Oh, yes, great, then NOBODY.

6. People Who Touch Me in Lieu of Saying Hello

While we're on the subject of people violating my autonomy with over-familiarity, let's just err on the side of DON'T TOUCH ME, okay? I don't want a backrub, I don't like it when you want to squeeze my shoulders to say hello, just SAY HELLO VERBALLY. USE YOUR WORDS like a normal person. I have been touched in worse ways against my will and you imposing your creepy shoulder squeezing on me just brings it all rushing back. Just pretend we are in kindergarten and KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF!

My shoulders were not tense a minute ago, buddy. Your forced backrub: DO NOT WANT.


...I'm sure I'm forgetting some things. (Heck, I only had three things in mind when I started this post.) What are the things that drive you up a wall even though you know they probably shouldn't?

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