Friday, December 14, 2012

An Open Letter To: Women Who Leave Pee on Toilet Seats

Dear Women Who Leave Pee on Toilet Seats,

I have been meaning to write to you for quite some time now, but it's been difficult to figure out how to address this letter because who are you, really?

Are you some rare breed of woman who has never in her life walked into a public toilet stall and gazed in horror upon a messy toilet seat dripping in human urine?  Have you never felt the gut-churning disgust that comes with the realization that there is a long line to use the restroom and you are now stuck with the task of either leaving the problem for someone else or nutting up and gathering an inordinate amount of toilet paper to clean the seat while minimizing potential paper soakage and the resulting piss-on-skin exposure?

Because if you have ever been in that situation, I struggle to comprehend how you could possibly perpetuate the ugliness that is urine on a lady's bathroom seat.

Please, women, help me understand you.  Help me to see pee on a toilet seat and feel flushed with sympathy for your plight while I, in turn, flush lots of your-pee-soaked toilet paper.  Surely this could not just boil down to the fact that you are inconsiderate, could it?

Were you being chased?  Did you have a head start of mere seconds, leaving you only just enough time to stop and pee in a restroom but not enough time to wipe up your anxiously splattered bladder juice?

Did a small reptile emerge from the toilet and attack you mid-stream?

Do you hate other women and want them to suffer?

Was there a worse stain on the toilet seat that you considerately decided to pre-soak with nature's astringent?

Were you juggling at the time?

Is your pee endowed with magical qualities, bestowing superpowers upon anyone who touches it, and peeing on toilet seats is the only way you can think to spread your gift without exposing yourself as a genetic mutant?

Are you four years old?

Are you legally blind?

Were you blinded by rage because someone else also left pee on the toilet seat, so you just left it there/made it worse?

Do you have a very long urethra?  Perhaps it's a penis?

I might be willing to accept any of the above scenarios.  Understanding begins with communication, Mystery Woman Who Leaves Pee on Toilet Seats.  Help me understand how a grown woman is still leaving behind a messy toilet seat.  Help me.

Because right now, I got nothing.

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