Friday, December 23, 2011

Friday Funday: The Experience of Accidentally Listening to Christian Rock on the Radio for Half an Hour after Randomly Scanning the Stations, told as Speed Dating Parable

Scene 1:  A Speed Dating Event
Jewish Girl scans the crowd.  The available options quickly flit by her.

JG:  Hi there.
Song 1:  AWWWW SHIT!
JG:  Um, are you alright?
Song 1:  Yeeeaaaah, girl!  I'm like nah nah nah nah nah.
JG:  What?  I don't...what are you even saying?

[BUZZER SOUNDS, SONGS CHANGE]

JG:  Well, hello.
Song 2:  Hey girl.
JG:  So, what do you think you bring to a relationship?
Song 2:  You say you're searching for somebody that will take you out and do you right.
JG:  Wow.  I did not say that.
Song 2:  Come on.  Just let daddy show you what it feels like.
JG:  That REALLY does not do it for me.
Song 2:  I just want to make love in this club.
JG:  EW.  [CHECKS WATCH]

[BUZZER SOUNDS, SONGS CHANGE]

JG:  Um...hi.  What's up?
Song 3:  If you get what I get, what would you say?
JG:  Sigh.  I'm guessing you're going to tell me.
Song 3:  I gotta get it again and again and again.
JG:  Seriously?  Does this even work on other women?
Song 3:  Aw yeah, you know she wax it all off like Mr. Miyagi.
JG:  Oh god.  Seriously.  Are there NO good men at this speed-dating thing?!
Song 3:  Better watch out that you don't slip and fall on my dick.
JG:  I highly doubt that would ever happen in a million years.

[BUZZER SOUNDS, SONGS CHANGE]

JG:  I'm sorry, I just don't think I have it in me anymore.
Song 4: You fought but you were just too weak, so you lost all the things you tried to keep.
JG:  Wow, yes, that's pretty insightful.
Song 4:  But wait, anything can change in a moment's time.
JG:  Thank you.  I feel...a bit inspired, actually.
Song 4:  I am feeling overtaken with your love.
JG:  Wow.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Song 4:  I know the current of yourself can take you out, out to sea, but hold on.
Song 5:  [BURSTING IN] I BALL SO HARD MOTHAFUCKAS WANNA FINE ME.
JG:  [TO SONG 4] Oh, please, please stay here.


Scene 2:  A Warm, Candlelit Homestyle Restaurant
Jewish Girl and Song 4 are on the tail end their first date.  Dinner has been finished, dessert reduced to crumbs, and the last drops of wine linger in wine glasses.

Song 4:  You are here to lift me up when I am weak, your arms wrap around me, your love catches me so I'm letting go.
JG:  Wow, I can't believe I found you.  You just seem so genuine and grounded.
Song 4:  Why in the world did I think I could only get to know you when my life was good?  When everything just falls in place, the easiest thing is to give You praise.
JG:  Wow.  I just...wow.  You have such a distinct melodic backbone; you sound so comforting, and at the same time you seem tough and strong.  I didn't think it was possible to meet someone like you!
Song 4:  Well, all things are possible through Christ.
JG:  ............................begpardon?
Song 4:  All things are possible through Christ.
JG:  Christ?
Song 4:  Yes, Christ Our Savior.  Who redeems us.
JG:  .........Christ?
Song 4:   He'll break open the skies to save those who cry out His name.
JG:  Oh god.
Song 4:  Exactly.  The son of God has not left us alone.
JG:  Why didn't you mention this before?  Before you let me get sucked in by your catchy words and your strong choruses?
Song 4:  The one the winds and waves obey is strong enough to save you.
JG:  I've been listening to you all night and I had no idea what you were really talking about!  I thought you were saying romantic things to me, but----ohhhhhhhh, I feel so dirty.  Ooooh, so all that stuff you said about love and forgiveness---you were talking about Ch---
Song 4: ---Christ our Savior, yes.
JG:  I feel ill.
Song 4:  Perhaps you just need to accept the love of Jesus Christ.
JG:  I think you just need accept the bill for tonight.

[JG STANDS UP AND LEAVES, AND BUMPS INTO...]

Song 2:  Hey girl.  If we close our eyes it could just be me and you.
JG:  Oh.  You again.  Hi.
Song 2:  All you gotta do is tell me what you're sipping on, and I'm gonna keep it coming all night loooooooooonnnnng.
JG:  [EXHAUSTED]  Yeah, you know what, that sounds okay right about now.

FIN.

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