Friday, July 1, 2011

Friday Funday: A Jewish Girl's Guide to Killing Flies

I love my apartment, but one of the less glamorous aspects of living in an English Basement apartment is dealing with bugs.  Fortunately, my bug problem seems to be mostly of the "entering while the front door is momentarily open" variety and not so much of the "WHERE THE *#@& ARE THESE COMING FROM?!?!" type.  (I prefer the former type, since it only makes me a crazy idiot for the brief time people are entering my apartment---"OMG CLOSE THE DOOR CLOSE THE DOOR WHY ARE YOU LINGERING!1!11---as opposed to during their entire visit at my apartment.)

Last night, I waged an epic, nine-hour battle against a fly that not only refused to sit in one place long enough to be killed, but also refused to sit in one place long enough not to be a pain in my ass.  This little mofo insisted on flying around in my airspace, buzzing in my ear, and even briefly settling on my slipper.  This fly was so insistent that at one point I began to wonder if perhaps the fly was an incarnation of someone I once knew who was desperately trying to tell me something.

Since I have a superior intellect than this insect, I eventually bested it (nine hours after its initial entry, but still).  In the interest of helping others who may be facing a similar insect problem, I present to you:

Jewish Girl's Guide to Killing Flies

1.  Arm yourself.  To wage war against a fly, you must be ready to kill it at a second's notice.  You must carry your chosen weapon (see #2) with you at all times in case the fly shows a moment of weakness.  If you have a tool belt, you may want to keep your weapon in there so it's easily accessible.

2.  Choose your weapon properly.  Listen, this is no time to play hero.  Some of us just don't have what it takes to squash a fly with our bare hands or with a tissue.  Don't forget, flies are much larger than mosquitos; you may not want to feel that big, disgusting, crunchy body on your hands.  In fact, the very thought may cause you to throw up a bit in your mouth in the middle of writing a blog entry.  That's okay.  That doesn't make you less of a warrior.  Just accommodate your weaknesses by picking a realistic weapon.  Some options:

  • Rolled up magazine.  Choose one you've already read.  If your only available magazines are unread, use the magazine that makes you feel least good about yourself.
  • Flyswatter.  0/10 on the creativity scale, but it's hard to resist an item with a dedicated purpose.
  • Shoe.  Make sure it's not a stiletto, or else make sure you have some spackle on hand to repair resulting damage to walls.  (thought:  if you don't have a security deposit on your apartment, the spackle may not be necessary.  your call.)

3.  Consider cheating.  Think about it:  What is the fly's natural advantage over you?  Its bajillion eyes and its wings.  That's pretty much it---flies have kind of bad lives other than those two things, actually.  So it falls to you to take away its advantage.  You can't really address the eyes problem, so instead focus on downing the little bastard.  I like to use a spray bottle of all-purpose cleaner; when the fly gets within range, I shoot him with the spray until his wings are too wet to continue flying.  Once he's down, I go in for the kill with the rolled-up magazine.  Perhaps it's not "fair," but my motto is "Opposable thumbs:  use 'em or lose 'em."  (Added bonus:  all this spraying also serves to clean the surfaces in my apartment!  Multi-taking!)

Note:  this bottle was full before I tangled with the fly.

4.  Patience, young padawan.  Let's say, hypothetically, that you've already sprayed this fly a bunch of times with your spray bottle and the all-purpose cleaner actually seems to have had an effect on this fly similar to meth, where the fly is now flying around erratically, angrily, and it seems to have developed a worse facial complexion and tooth decay (warning: gross).  Don't get upset.  Just settle in to watch some Game of Thrones On Demand and trust that your moment will come.

I should have read the fine print, which said, "Other 00.05% is the equivalent of meth for flies."

5.  When your moment does come, gloat.  When you do finally trap that fly in on bathroom mirror, make sure you spew out the angriest profanities you can think of as you take that fly down, spray bottle blazing and magazine flying.  That little cocksucker has been in your ear for nine hours, BUT NO MORE, ASSHOLE.  Evolution, baby, evolution!

6.  Appreciate your victory.  After throwing out the body of the fly, do your best to ignore the handfuls of gnats living in your herb garden.  Another day, JG.  Another day.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...