Monday, February 7, 2011

To the gentleman sitting next to me on the 6am Chinatown Bus from Philly to NYC

Dear Sir:

I write to inform you about a revolutionary and wonderful procedure with which you are apparently unfamiliar. This process has been utilized successfully by hundreds of millions of people the world over, and seems to cross all cultural and religious boundaries. What is this wonderful process of which I speak, you ask?

Quite simply: BATHING.

Countless individuals have learned to control seemingly inhuman body odor---such as yours---with the simple and daily process of bathing. Some even bathe multiple times per day, as the need arises. Bathing can be effectively accomplished in mere minutes, although some such as yourself may want to take a bit more time to ensure adequate cleansing. The costs of this process are minimal and are limited to the cost of a bar of soap, frequently attainable for less than a dollar.

The benefits of bathing include a cleansing of the body and removal of bacteria that can lead to the odor currently assaulting my senses. Not only will you be more comfortable after a nice wash, but those around you will no longer curse the world and the events of their life leading up to the point when they took the bus seat next to the one in which you would inevitably be forced to sit.

Our current physical proximity leads me to my next point of concern: it appears that you may have tuberculosis. As you may not be aware, tuberculosis is highly contagious, and you should perhaps take this fact into account before boarding a crowded bus. As much as I enjoyed the movie Outbreak with Dustin Hoffman, I don't particularly care to live it.

If not tuberculosis, then your wet, hacking cough could be symptomatic of any number of maladies. These include, but are not limited to: bronchitis, asthma, cold, or a more general infection. Generally speaking, one may want to avoid traveling in crowded, confined spaces when one is potentially carrying any number of these diseases.

I do realize that I deserve part of the blame in this situation. I usually know better than to take the Chinatown bus over its less skeezy cousins Bolt Bus or Megabus. This mistake will not be repeated, I assure you.

Still, while I doubt we will meet again, I nevertheless optimistically encourage your compliance with these suggestions. Please feel free to reach me on my blog if you have any questions.

Jewish Girl

Edit:  hilariously, I just visited this entry and found an ad for "Odor Shield Body Wash" on the side of the page.  Awesome work, Google Adwords!

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